Fenced Life.

Standing on the outside my fenced life... A tall high fence protected life.. maybe isolated life, not protected.

The gasping of my breath, the look of my eyes and drop of a tear won't let me in.

The fence is high, trying to find a hole to see what is on the inside. The feeling of be not in control is painful yet comfortable. The fear of seeing what is on the inside.

Am I happy to lose control, since I can't do it right. Was I got kicked out for not being a good steward?

Should I wait outside, should I climb the fence? Should I just walk away?

The truth remains, or the avoided truth remains, is it my life? Isn't his life?  Were I just a steward? Not an partner nor an owner!

The fears or being on the outside, the comfort or not caring and walking away of it all.

Do I hear a sound on the inside of the fence? Is my life still beating? Or just the pain of the hurt on the inside.
I found a hole, yet not in the fence!  It is within me.. can you see throw it..? I cant.  It is painful not able to see through my own chest.. A big void.

Am I allowed to reenter my life?  Will the fence comes down? Am I too dangerous to be allowed in?  Did I do enough damage?
God did u put this fence up? Was it for my protection? Or to protect my life from me?  Why am i on the outside.

God I keep going around the fence, circling too many times. Not praying to come down, yet the fear of seeing what is on the inside is scaring me..

God, who will remains? Me, my fenced life or you? I won't question you again! I am just tired of messing up! You will remain, please allow back in my life, your life. I don't want to climb up the fence. Bring down the fence, let me in, come with me. Hold me close, wipe my tears. Stop me from hurting me change me Lord, change me Lord. Change me Lord. Hell with the fence, take control, put me on ur shoulder, rescue me. Break me, bring down the fence...open my eyes to see your purpose. Or allow me to let go and let you in my life. Find me, help me to find you. Teach me to lose myself. Teach me to wake away and find you.

Here I am, sitting and my back resting on the fence from the outside. Wondering if there such rest exist!  Maybe I should be on the outside! Maybe I should no longer wait.
The fence still here, standing tall, yet I am still on the outside.  One of us has to give in, it wont be the fence. Would it be me?

I will just stay here on the outside.

A friendly voice comes to remind me: ( really, a friend said that to me)

You already prayed it. God to cross with you on the inside. He will because your life is His gift to you and He doesn't take it back unless with death. He will give you another life with Him. God's will towards your life is to fix the broken and to maintain what needed to be. (wise words, totally changed my attitude)
Some times we have to pause and think. Sometimes we gotta stop working, stop drawing the picture. We have the greatest painter to do it the right way.
You have a golden chance in life cause He promised to comfort those in pain and sadness. He has a special gift and chance for you. Even if we mess it He can fix it. He is the only one who has ways out of death. المخرج من الاكل اكلا ومن الجافي حلاوة

After such attitude changing wise words. I no longer worry, about my life nor the fence, I am moving forward. God's plans is bigger than the box where I capture Him in. Thank you God for being so much bigger than me, Thank you for fixing the broken and maintaining the good. God you are good, all the times.