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Saturday, December 15, 2012

Breathing......slowly.......

Leafless, yet strong at the roots
Are you rooted with God?

Friday, November 30, 2012

You, Three in One!



Your confident calm tones of voice. Your choice of words. Your timing to when to listen and when to speak. All with a certainty of unsure shadows.

I can almost see your smile and sadness or is it yearning… They all are chasing me, my addiction to our conversions.

Your three layers, toughness unkind surface, yet soft gentle middle and last is confusions… all I want, yet can’t… silence is the end of the story.

Monday, November 26, 2012

حبي الصغير...مات صغير...


حبي الصغير. قتلتيه في المهد وديع.        
كان حبكي حلم رضيع .كان حبكي ولاده ثانيه لقلبي الضريع.

الحلم بقي حلم ، لم يري حقيقه الصبح  الموضئ.
الرضيع لم يستطيع ان ينصب قامته و مات صغير.

السؤال يبقي.. هل كان حبي طفل رضيع آم حملآ كازپآ

You killed my young love, you killed in its cradle 
Your love was young feeding new born, it was my second birth

The dream, became nothing but a dream. it didn't see the morning light
The new born couldn't stand straight and dies in its early days

The question continued, was my love a new birth or false pregnancy   

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

In Your Shadow

In your shadow, I am here.
Picking up the pieces.
Putting me back together.
I found me.. with you. Now, I got to unfind me, to forget you... and me.
foolishness.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Baby, Why don't you stay?!



I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone and I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby, beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting with my heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years and I think I'm dying
What do I have to do to make you see she can't love you like me?

Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need?
When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay? Yeah

You keep telling me, baby there will come a time
When you will leave her arms and forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sugarland-lyrics/stay-lyrics.html ]
It's too much pain to have to bear to love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need?
When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay?

I can't take it any longer but my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute after all that I've put in it
I've given you my best, why does she get the best of you?
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay? I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely, you can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go, there is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay? Yeah, oh

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Once Loved, today rejected, Once upon a time. Lost love.

Disclaimer:
This is randoms thoughts, with no attention to point to any certain event or person. No attention to hurt anyone or disrespect anyone.


What started as poem, ended as random thoughts. The writing is over, but the pain continues.

I love you more. once she said...once upon a time.
I miss you more, she replied. once upon a time.
No one like you in my life, once she said.

once upon a time, with a kiss on your forehead, you felt like a lady. With your smile, I was turned into a prince.

I was an amazing man back then..I could conquer the world, once upon a time
once upon a time, my smile was your purpose in life, today my sadness is matter of norm
once upon a time, I showed you God, today God stand still, and
you and I are a part.

once upon a time, you wanted me for yourself, only for yourself.
once upon a time, I was your daddy and you were my baby.
once upon a time, you told me to walk over my pain, come to find out, you caused it.

once upon a time, I was loved for what I may become,  come to find out, I no longer accepted for who I am.
once upon a time, you wanted to be everything for me, yet now you are questioning what I want from you.
once upon a time, the list for why you loved me was long, yet all that is left a list of things why you are leaving me.
once upon a time, you wanted to wear your fear as a crown, come to find out you decided to walk with it.

once upon a time, I was your God's gift sent, have I became a curse?
once upon a time, your love was my overwhelming joy, yet became unbarring hurt.
once upon a time, you didn't mean it, time for you to confront you action and excuses.
once upon a time, trust is all I asked for, yet trust is lost when you chosen your fears.
once upon of time, I was prefectable, yet fearing your failure, you judged not realizing you just painting another failure.

once upon a time, you cried on my shoulder.  yet, when I cry, your shoulder you withdraw. been told that I am too much.
once upon a time, was loved and praised for my strength, yet not accepted for my weakest.
one upon a time, I fallen in love with you. yet you kicked me out.  It is time to love you from distance.
once upon a time, a cross around my nick, a friendship ignition key, becomes a memory of a lost love.

Yet, Today is here, what was once upon a time is gone. today is here to live.
To live within what is today is, wishing that you would have truly loved me more, accepted me more.
The question remains, when is, that once upon time comes, when I can love without fear of being torn apart. nor told you are too much.
Happy is something I Pretend, Today I have learned.

once upon a time, I chased you to see your smile, til that day, I still chase your irresistible smile from distance.

once upon a time when the silent conversion was the best way our heart talked, yet without you, silence is all I am left with.

once upon a time, a boy fell in love with a girl with his entire heart and soul.
That girl broke his heart and love is what she stole...
what once upon a time a pure love, nothing remains but tears stain.

Note: 
There’s this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your scent still linger, an irresistible smile is not forgotten, I can't forget your whispers still softly echo. It’s the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me. All become painful memories.

Sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing are the same, don't let your fears rule you. Wear your fears as a crown.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

My devotion to the Haitian people.

Pastor Dan, the Pastor of the church of Emanuel who is leading our group to Haiti on a mission trip.  He requested that each of us plan on preparing a 20 min devotion. He said once we enter to Haitian church on sundays, many times they put on the spot and ask you to speak to the congregation.  As crazy and exciting the thought of doing so, as I am worry about what I am going to say if they called me to speak.

Here is what I am planning:

Our lives goes through a lot of storms and changes.. Jesus call was never to take us out of this word, but to be in the world and hold on to his peace.

The my favorite two men in the bible are Job, and Joesph.  They both went through a lot of difficult situations.  I am going to focus on Job. He suffered a series of staggering losses in a matter of hours. We all know how much he lost. however, Job's most intense frustration was his inability to see and find God. Job lost everything, kids,wealth , his servants, his friend and his reputation. All that, but he fell to the ground in worship and said " naked I came from my mother;s womb, and naked I will depart" Job 1:20

Even, when God permitted Satan to afflict Job physically.  He was hit with painful sores from his feet to the top of his head Job 2:7. His wife became irritated and told Job to curse God and die. Job replied " you are talking like a  foolish woman. Shell we accept good from God and not trouble?" in it all, Job did not sin Job 2:10.

Eventually, Job reach a point of despair,, not because he faced all these troubles, but because he couldn't see God nor find him. God didn't even talk to him. In Job 23:2-9. Job expressed his great anguish. This is a common problem we all face. King David must had the same feeling when he said "How long, O Lord? will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? Psalm 13:1
Even Jesus asked why he had been abandoned by God in his final hours on the cross.

All believers are premeditated to go throw emotional valleys to test our faith and purified it at the fire of the storms. The problems that not most of us can handle those tests as good as Job or David or Joesph.
Some of them lose God. Believers not like others know that God has the power to control every thing. He can heal you and I. He can rescue you and I. He could save you... but He won't. Why? This is the problem, we left with a sense of abandonment. He is not there, and you and I are left alone.

What such a believer can do? Where he can go? who shell ask for consul or pray to? James 1:8 talks about the double minded man who is confused and miserable. Christine who lose God during the spiritual  confusion are like the vine that was cut at the source.

Be Still and KNOW that I am God psalm 46:10  that is the promise.
Don't relay on your emotions. We can't depend on our feelings and passions to govern our lives. Emotions are unreliable, biased and lie as often as they tell the truth. Some believers fall in the trap of feeling God and not trusting Him. Their feelings about God depends on their emotions of the day. They forget what the promise is in Philippians 4:19 HE SAYS" He would supply all our needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
The advice I leave with you, when you feel like God is distant and not involved in your problems, don't simply write Him out. One said once: "With God, even when nothing is happening- something is happening" Establish your foundation on His word and not on your feelings.

God timing is prefect. One of the greatest faith destroyer, is time.  We want things according to our time, which makes uncertain believers to give up on his faith and feels like He isn't there. Yet, He is there and working in His own time. Remember Lazarus story in John 11.  He raise him up in His own prefect time.

We are so precious to God, Don't ask why?!
Job has very difficult time understanding this one, he asked "What is man that you make so much of him and give him so much attention, that you examine him every morning" Job 7:17-18
In Luke 11:13 we read, if you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to you children how much more your father in heaven give.
Yes, we need to understand that sometime suffering is for our own good. Yes, He feels our sufferings.

At the end, we need to understand that we need a true faith in him. If we can can understand the depth of His love for us we would accept those difficult times when they don't make sense. Yes, if we the solidly connected to him, we wouldn't mind the confusion, we will see it as a opportunities to grow our faith.
Hold on to your faith, because without it is impossible.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Preparing for Haiti

In a few days, I will be on my way to Haiti.. YAY My first mission trip. I can't wait.

has been a God calling for years for me to go on a mission trip. The time can't be better. God wants me to focus on something outside of myself.

The trip to Haiti, with the Church of Emanual. Next month (Oct. 6-13), Pastor Richter will lead a group of 28 from the church on their first overseas mission trip to help people. The group has 23 adults, including himself and Youth Pastor Andy Jeffers, as well as six teenagers, including his 13-year-old son Ethan.

Haitians are a friendly, happy and joyful people. This is a hard thing for us as Americans to understand. They do not feel sorry for themselves. They are content with what they do have and are so generous. They are able to worship, and the little they do have, they will try to give you."

The Foxboro church group will travel to the village of Croix-desBouquet, just outside the capital city of Port-au-Prince. Their base of operations will be Hope Orphanage, where 20 young girls between the ages of 4-12 have their home. Each of these girls is an actual orphan, but is not up for adoption.

So the girls who call Hope Orphanage home are being taught critical thinking and problem solving skills.

Here is a video preview on the orphanage:


Give with Lift from The Global Orphan Project on Vimeo.

Most of Hope Orphanage, founded by Greg and Kathy Benson, was destroyed during the 2010 earthquake. Tim and Toby Banks, who have run the orphanage since before they had any girls there at all, were Richter's neighbors when they lived in Ohio. The Banks were called to the mission field and now live in Haiti with four of their five children. Their oldest child attends college back in the states.

Rebuilding after quake

After the earthquake, thanks to an Ohio-based construction company and a large shipping company, materials were collected and sent free of charge to Haiti. The Maersk Line offered free ocean freight to help ship aid to Haiti. With the construction materials they were able to build a new orphanage and the shipping company even left the giant containers to be used as storage facilities.

A lot of the houses in Haiti still do not have roofs. so my main part in with the mission with the rest of the group on doing plenty of roofing. We are also They are also bringing a bag of 300 pairs of reading glasses and another bag full of shoes from Reebok.

The exciting part is that on Sundays, everyone is going the one of the Haitians local church. Pastor told us, they they will call on us to lead and speak right on the stop. The may ask anyone of us to preach or  say our testimony... I know, I will be nervous, but excited to first be part of their service, and get to worship with totally different people.  The thought of it gives me chills, to stand among a different tongue speakers and worship the same Lord.  It reminds me with the verse that says, every tongue will confess your name.

Was surprised to find my own testimony that I recorded a few years back online. I also found a worship session I lead at a youth conference few years back as well.




Worship session from couple of years ago,, was so uncomfortable.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Forgiving Eyes - Michael Card

Surrounded with shouts the cruel accusations Dragged to the court, no hope of salvation All hope was lost for those who had caught me Knew what I was, they knew all about me
I thought it seemed strange as we entered in They stopped a young rabbi to ask his opinion Caught in the act, their reason for hating My body could feel the stones that were waiting My judge, a man from Galilee In His eyes so gentle I could see A father and a brother and a son Just as I saw Him, the hope I had lost became born again I was not hopeless, though I'd been lost Now, I felt I was found when He looked at me With His forgiving eyes The crowd gathered round, so angry and violent But He stood beside me, peaceful and silent Then with a word, with one question, He showed them That they too were guilty and could not condemn The next thing I knew, He asked me, "Where are they?" And I looked around the courtyard was empty The stones scattered 'round, the warm morning sunlight He'd made the darkness perfectly light In this new light now I understood He would not condemn me though He could For He would be condemned someday for me Just as I saw Him, the hope I had lost became born again I was not hopeless, though I'd been lost Now, I felt I was found when He looked at me With His forgiving eyes Forgiving eyes Read more: MICHAEL CARD - FORGIVING EYES LYRICS

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Nothing Compares...




It's been seven hours and fifteen days
since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
since you took your love away
since you've been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
but nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues,

'cause nothing compares
nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
like a bird without a song
nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
tell me baby where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms round every boy I see
but they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor guess what he told me
guess what he told me
he said girl you better try to have fun
no matter what you do
but he's a fool

'cause nothing compares
nothing compares to you

All the flowers that you planted mother
in the backyard
all died when you went away
I know that living with you, baby, was sometimes hard
but I'm willing to give it another try

nothing compares
nothing compares to you (3x) 


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Fenced Life.

Standing on the outside my fenced life... A tall high fence protected life.. maybe isolated life, not protected.
The gasping of my breath, the look of my eyes and drop of a tear won't let me in.
The fence is high, trying to find a hole to see what is on the inside. The feeling of be not in control is painful yet comfortable. The fear of seeing what is on the inside.
Am I happy to lose control, since I can't do it right. Was I got kicked out for not being a good steward?
Should I wait outside, should I climb the fence? Should I just walk away?

The truth remains, or the avoided truth remains, is it my life? Isn't his life?  Were I just a steward? Not an partner nor an owner!
The fears or being on the outside, the comfort or not caring and walking away of it all.

Do I hear a sound on the inside of the fence? Is my life still beating? Or just the pain of the hurt on the inside.
I found a hole, yet not in the fence!  It is within me.. can you see throw it..? I cant.  It is painful not able to see through my own chest.. A big void.
Am I allowed to reenter my life?  Will the fence comes down? Am I too dangerous to be allowed in?  Did I do enough damage?
God did u put this fence up? Was it for my protection? Or to protect my life from me?  Why am i on the outside.
God I keep going around the fence, circling too many times. Not praying to come down, yet the fear of seeing what is on the inside is scaring me..
God, who will remains? Me, my fenced life or you? I won't question you again! I am just tired of messing up! You will remain, please allow back in my life, your life. I don't want to climb up the fence. Bring down the fence, let me in, come with me. Hold me close, wipe my tears. Stop me from hurting me change me Lord, change me Lord. Change me Lord. Hell with the fence, take control, put me on ur shoulder, rescue me. Break me, bring down the fence...open my eyes to see your purpose. Or allow me to let go and let you in my life. Find me, help me to find you. Teach me to lose myself. Teach me to wake away and find you.

Here I am, sitting and my back resting on the fence from the outside. Wondering if there such rest exist!  Maybe I should be on the outside! Maybe I should no longer wait.
The fence still here, standing tall, yet I am still on the outside.  One of us has to give in, it wont be the fence. Would it be me?
I will just stay here on the outside.

A friendly voice comes to remind me: ( really, a friend said that to me)

You already prayed it. God to cross with you on the inside. He will because your life is His gift to you and He doesn't take it back unless with death. He will give you another life with Him. God's will towards your life is to fix the broken and to maintain what needed to be. (wise words, totally changed my attitude)
Some times we have to pause and think. Sometimes we gotta stop working, stop drawing the picture. We have the greatest painter to do it the right way.
You have a golden chance in life cause He promised to comfort those in pain and sadness. He has a special gift and chance for you. Even if we mess it He can fix it. He is the only one who has ways out of death. المخرج من الاكل اكلا ومن الجافي حلاوة

After such attitude changing wise words. I no longer worry, about my life nor the fence, I am moving forward. God's plans is bigger than the box where I capture Him in. Thank you God for being so much bigger than me, Thank you for fixing the broken and maintaining the good. God you are good, all the times.